Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Untethering

Two days ago, I sipped my coffee on the front porch, basking in the warm sun on bare shoulders. Relishing the quiet, away from the noises of pancake-breakfast behind the slammed-shut front door.
Today, however, the wind whistles beneath grey skies and the freezing cold feels perhaps like a metaphor for my heart. In what I can only assume is an act of anniversary-mercy, Adam agreed to take the kids to school this morning. I shiver at the thought of even getting out from under this blanket snuggled on the couch, and so I sit and think about the ways I feel disconnected. Or maybe too connected. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My mind flits from one worry to the next, from one book to the next article. I try to read all-of-the-things, edit pictures for work, listen to a podcast, and simultaneously design a logo for the football league we have decided to start in a few weeks. As I sit and shiver and multitask, I find myself surprisingly unable to decipher my own emotions. I think, perhaps, I feel gray simply because the sky beckons me into it with icy pale light. While Sunday dawned cheerful and hopeful, under the light of brash blue skies and warm sun draped casually across my shoulders.
When my children have bad days, or the boys act especially foolish. When the house brims with clutter and the laundry and dishes stack higher than seems possible. On those days the fog drips heavy. But the other days, when Jayci shares with her brother readily; when Caden makes me belly laugh and they play together quietly while I read a good book. Or the days when the teenage boys offer to take out the trash, and chase my children cheerfully and lead them in games of Uno and living-room-basketball alike. These days, my grin comes readily and my responses drip with grace. 
Today is Fat Tuesday and my eight year wedding anniversary. There were no flowers today, and tomorrow marks the beginning of Lent. And the words of Pastor Leonce this weekend echo in my heart: untether. Because my heart, my attitude, not to mention my outlook on myself and my children and the day, finds itself tethered to the world. To circumstances and sunshine. To my children's behavior, and to the kiddos "success." To the comments I got when I wrote my heart. To the number of likes on my last instagram photo. To morning coffee and afternoon naps. 
And all of this tethering makes it hard to hear. Hard to hear myself, to hear my children, and to hear the voice of the Father. I get confused in the noise, I start thinking I need more. I think I need to do more, be more, buy more. And instead of untethering, I tie more threads to this world. 
Lent begins tomorrow, and I am not one to typically "give up" for Lent. Mostly because every time I try, it winds up one more opportunity for failing. But this year, I'm reminding myself of all I dont need so I can focus more clearly on the One I desperately do need. I am untethering myself, even just in small ways, to I can tie my heart more securely to Jesus.

17 comments:

  1. "Lent begins tomorrow, and I am not one to typically "give up" for Lent. Mostly because every time I try, it winds up one more opportunity for failing. But this year, I'm reminding myself of all I dont need so I can focus more clearly on the One I desperately do need. I am untethering myself, even just in small ways, to I can tie my heart more securely to Jesus."

    This. This. This. Thank you, friend, for putting into words what my heart has been crying out. xoxo

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  2. I have been learning this "untethering" lesson as well the last couple of weeks. As it approaches the anniversary of my grandmother's death...my days have been filled with gray &I find myself more grumpy and irritable than normal. Through this, God whispered that Instead of focusing on the suffering my grandmother endured, I need to focus on her testimony of faith during her suffering. This, combined with other numerous life situations, makes me want to be tethered all the more to Christ.

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    1. I love this. Thanks so so much for sharing.

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  3. I find myself so very 'tethered' and it eats away at me. I keep trying to let go and just be. I think it will always be a work in progress for me. I love how you write so honestly and purely. You are a gift to so many.

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  4. I know I say this a lot-
    me too.
    me, too.

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  5. "I get confused in the noise, I start thinking I need more. I think I need to do more, be more, buy more. And instead of untethering, I tie more threads to this world."

    You read my mind SO well!

    Love you and all your beauty.

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  6. Becca- I so recommend you read this post from Jamie the Very Worst Missionary, February 5, 2014. I can't make the link work, but it spoke to my heart in a time of being overwhelmed. Deep breath, grace waits.

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    1. I LOVED that post by her, though I love most everything she writes :-)

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  7. This is a really beautiful post, Becca. I find myself with those emotions on grey days and I think, "Am I really this affected by the weather or is more going on for me????" It seems something about parenting has made me lose the ability to reflect on what I'm actually thinking or feeling in any given circumstance. Maybe it's all the to-do lists and the endless needs for milk, for markers, for gum, for water, for food, for stickers, for baths and on and on...

    Thank you for your reflections! :)

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    1. have I mentioned that I like you, lots?

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  8. Found your blog through Elizabeth Esther. Love your writing style. We are so tethered to this place. I echo your prayer for security only in Jesus. It is true whether or not we realize it or utilize it. Rebekah

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    Replies
    1. Oh thanks for coming over!! :-) I'm coming to visit your space now!

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