Tuesday, March 4, 2014


Two days ago, I sipped my coffee on the front porch, basking in the warm sun on bare shoulders. Relishing the quiet, away from the noises of pancake-breakfast behind the slammed-shut front door.
Today, however, the wind whistles beneath grey skies and the freezing cold feels perhaps like a metaphor for my heart. In what I can only assume is an act of anniversary-mercy, Adam agreed to take the kids to school this morning. I shiver at the thought of even getting out from under this blanket snuggled on the couch, and so I sit and think about the ways I feel disconnected. Or maybe too connected. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. My mind flits from one worry to the next, from one book to the next article. I try to read all-of-the-things, edit pictures for work, listen to a podcast, and simultaneously design a logo for the football league we have decided to start in a few weeks. As I sit and shiver and multitask, I find myself surprisingly unable to decipher my own emotions. I think, perhaps, I feel gray simply because the sky beckons me into it with icy pale light. While Sunday dawned cheerful and hopeful, under the light of brash blue skies and warm sun draped casually across my shoulders.
When my children have bad days, or the boys act especially foolish. When the house brims with clutter and the laundry and dishes stack higher than seems possible. On those days the fog drips heavy. But the other days, when Jayci shares with her brother readily; when Caden makes me belly laugh and they play together quietly while I read a good book. Or the days when the teenage boys offer to take out the trash, and chase my children cheerfully and lead them in games of Uno and living-room-basketball alike. These days, my grin comes readily and my responses drip with grace. 
Today is Fat Tuesday and my eight year wedding anniversary. There were no flowers today, and tomorrow marks the beginning of Lent. And the words of Pastor Leonce this weekend echo in my heart: untether. Because my heart, my attitude, not to mention my outlook on myself and my children and the day, finds itself tethered to the world. To circumstances and sunshine. To my children's behavior, and to the kiddos "success." To the comments I got when I wrote my heart. To the number of likes on my last instagram photo. To morning coffee and afternoon naps. 
And all of this tethering makes it hard to hear. Hard to hear myself, to hear my children, and to hear the voice of the Father. I get confused in the noise, I start thinking I need more. I think I need to do more, be more, buy more. And instead of untethering, I tie more threads to this world. 
Lent begins tomorrow, and I am not one to typically "give up" for Lent. Mostly because every time I try, it winds up one more opportunity for failing. But this year, I'm reminding myself of all I dont need so I can focus more clearly on the One I desperately do need. I am untethering myself, even just in small ways, to I can tie my heart more securely to Jesus.

Monday, March 3, 2014

What I'm Into: February

What I'm most into this month: Lupita. Y'all, she is simply gorgeous. And then her words about beauty, they about did me in. Love her, and so glad she won that well-deserved Oscar last night (ps - loved her acceptance speech too). 
via Time
"I remember a time when I too felt unbeautiful. I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin… And when I was a teenager my self-hate grew worse, as you can imagine happens with adolescence. My mother reminded me often that she thought that I was beautiful but that was no conservation, she’s my mother, of course she’s supposed to think I am beautiful. And then…Alek Wek. A celebrated model, she was dark as night, she was on all of the runways and in every magazine and everyone was talking about how beautiful she was. Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact. I couldn’t believe that people were embracing a woman who looked so much like me, as beautiful. My complexion had always been an obstacle to overcome and all of a sudden Oprah was telling me it wasn’t. . . You can't eat beauty: you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul. . . But also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside: there is no shade in that beauty." 
Some readings etc from around the interwebs that I'm into this month:
Lord Lord - DL Mayfield
Sacred Scared series - Momastery
In light of my post on mothering this last week, my sweet friend sent me this video, What moms think about themselves vs. what kids think. You guys, all of your kind words and encouragement and especially your ME TOOs, they made me verklempt. Because sometimes I try to hide behind pretty words, to mask my vulnerability in flowery language and things that will make it less-scary. And y'all see right through it and encourage my heart. Thank you for that. Seriously.
Books I'm into this month:
I just finished reading The Good Lord Bird: A Novel, and really enjoyed it. And now I'm reading Americanah, which I'm super-into (I'll keep you posted on if I love the whole thing, but it's looking good so far) *note: check out my last post for my 2014 reading list/book recommendations. 
And Movies:
Adam and I just watched 12 Years a Slave this past weekend. Which was painful, but important. (And also, Lupita, as I've already mentioned). We also watched a documentary called The Pruitt-Igoe Myth, which was also important, albeit maddening.

Less heavily, we also really enjoyed About Time and Drinking Buddies.

What I'm also into: 
Stitch Fix y'all. For those of you unfamiliar, it's an online personal styling business. You pay $20 and fill out a really detailed profile of what your body, style, and budget is like and what you need clothes for. You schedule a "fix" and wait. A personal stylist in California looks at your personal profile & puts together a box for you of 5 items, sends it to you. You try on said items. If you keep anything, your $20 fee goes towards whatever you buy. If you keep nothing, you send it all back for free; just pay that first $20. If you keep it all, your entire order is 25% off! Repeat.

I've received 3 "fixes" so far, and kept every single thing from 2 of them. I even, miracle-of-all-miracles, was sent a pair of jeans that magically fit like a glove. This has never before happened in the history of the world. And truth be told, I almost didnt even bother putting them on, scoffing at the audacity of my sweet stylist to try and send me jeans. But thankfully I did try them on, and now I would wear them every single day if I could. I would highly recommend trying it out. If you don't like anything, you're only out the $20 styling fee. But seriously, for those mommas (such as myself) who have neither the time nor the will to go shopping, it's perfect. 
Stitch Fix
(please note: if you do decide to try Stitch Fix, please use my referral link! It would make my day/week/month/wardrobe. I am not, however, merely telling you about this for the possibly referral credit, I really do love this service!). 
And finally, I'm into this Lip Sync Battle. Yes please.


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