Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Confession and Margin (Day 15)

I have a confession (or a few really) to make - beginning with this one: I am writing this post at 12:15am. Meaning that it's actually day 16 (troubling to my rule-following self), and well-past the time I should be sleeping in order to make functioning tomorrow a possibility, following Caden's several wake-ups throughout the night and both children rising before the sun at 6:30am. Sigh.

But I was laying in bed tonight (promise) by 11pm. However, then Caden woke up a few times and I laid BACK in bed at 11:30, and now I have been tossing and turning for the last forty-five minutes.

And so I have some confessions for y'all, things I feel compelled to get off my chest. I also, of course, feel compelled to delete, to hide, and to pretend this post doesn't exist. But sometimes God whispers louder to me at 12:15am when I've been fighting against His promptings for the better part of the last hour.

- I confess that today was HARD. That the one-year-old and four-year-old combo phase is NOT my favorite, particularly when they seem to work in concert to defeat me. I spent most of my day widening my eyes towards Adam and wiggling my eyebrows forcefully as he labored over the chicken-coop, insisting to him that somehow we had made a grave error, and these simply can NOT be the children we are raising. I'm weary. And lonely. And am slightly frightened that I will just never get the hang of this motherhood thing. That I will always have to drive back and forth from the post office several times a day in 3pm traffic with children whose clothes smell like mildew because my license is expired and you need valid ID for getting a passport for your child whose social-security number I cant seem to track down currently.

- I love my husband desperately, he makes me laugh and also is probably the only reason I eat on a regular basis. Left to my own devices, I sort of scrounge around for snack-type foods and would probably subsist on granola bars and sour patch kids with diet coke and coffee for when I get thirsty and/or tired. We also irritate each other a lot lately. I insist that he somehow corral HIS LADIES (who, have I mentioned, I hate strongly dislike?) and also would he please, for the love of pete, spray off some poopy diapers since it was his-stinkin idea that we CLOTH DIAPER in the first place. Has he met me? And also, if he could watch the children for me, because it's just too hard for me to handle them both on my own for more than approximately twenty-seven minutes. I recognize that I put him in a lose-lose-lose situation here, where nothing he can do will ever satisfy my demands. But still.

And so we fight. Only we're not so much fighters as we are turn-on-ourselves and/or shut-downers. Which is easier to hide, and a whole lot quieter, but doesn't contribute to intimacy or romance or the kind of marriage we KNOW God has intended for us.

- I'm still in this weird in-between worlds stage, even after over a year in our new neighborhood. Where most of my close friends live in the suburbs, and I rarely even talk to them. Not to mention that I've possibly stood a few of them up because we're so busy and I can't seem to get-my-crap-together long enough to write anything on a calendar. So I feel those friendships quietly slip away, and yet there are very few new friends nearby with whom I have allowed the armor to come off. I cant even figure out how to make time to work on those friendships, to build them without children screaming for my attention and time and distracting me from conversation involving grown-up sentence structure and/or content. I'm good at writing things here, at telling y'all my faults. But in real life? It feels harder. And so I stand alone in the midst of a crowd of kiddos boisterously yelling from the front porch, crying over things like spilled laundry detergent.

-When someone doesn't talk to me (or call or write) for a while, I immediately assume they no longer like me, and clearly dont want to be my friend. And who can blame them, really? (have I mentioned my tendency to self-bully?)

-I take anti-depressants. And have for quite some years now. And sometimes I fear that possibly they aren't "working" anymore. The darkness slips up on me sometimes. The light dapples in my soul like shadows on the road. Shaded moments filter next to impossibly-joy-filled-sunshine-drenched ones. Past hurts and demons and temptations flit, and in the midst of double temper tantrums and persistent knocks on the front door peppered with little voices yelling through the window, they threaten to overwhelm.

-I love our church. Like super-duper-love it. Seriously. And yet, I hardly know anyone, really. And so I sit on Sunday, rubbing goose-pimples off my arms from worshiping our Savior so fully and beautifully, and I even brave an amen every once in a while. And yet, somehow I'm still alone and uncertain of how to turn the idea of community and life together as a church and the body into reality.

-I worry that we are failures because we haven't done enough to get enough kids mentored. Things move slowly, community builds painfully and relationships take time. I realize that, and yet it feels like we have no results. And what if I stop writing, if I tell y'all what's really going on in my heart - then no one will want to support what we do or believe in ME anymore. One of the boys we mentor just got out of jail, and slips out the door every time we try and see him. And my heart feels wounded, rejected, like a failure.

-Caden goes to the cardiologist this week, and every time I think about it the fears and darkness and remembrances threaten to overwhelm me, despite an under-girding assurance I feel that they are going to assure us that all is well. He is active and busy and silly and not-sleepy and eating and gaining weight. Truthfully, I would be shocked if they didn't say everything looked good. Yet, the pit in my stomach remains. Because we just never know, we didn't know, and there are no guarantees.

-I want desperately to teach my kids to be kind, loving, gentle and graceful towards others. But most days, I struggle extending kindness to my own family for an extended period of time. And I feel fairly certain these qualities are hard to teach without first practicing them myself.


So why all the confession tonight? Just skip today's post, right (I mean, it's tomorrow at this point anyways). I'm certain that in the morning I will wake up and things will feel brighter. Everything always feels better in the morning, before the kids have done anything to try my patience (besides waking up too early) and when the sun streams gently through the blinds, leaving lines and shadows dappling our faces as we snuggle for a few more too-short minutes under the covers before emerging to face another day.

But here's the thing: I'm choosing today to believe in something that I've said all along. To believe in community, in y'all, in beauty, in Truth, and in trust. To believe in a God who remains on the throne despite hard days and longer nights. To believe that I'm not alone (please, please say that's true) - that there ARE other moms who struggle. Other wives who just aren't sure their husbands hear them. Church-goers who cant seem to find their niche. Friends and neighbors who smile and nod and long for someone to really know them.

I am taking a stand for the sake of communion. For a place where we can meet eat other and say: "here I am," and that's enough. To discover anew what I've been learning all along: that we belong to one another. To accept each other's limits and hurts and woundedness, but also our gifts and beauty and capacity for great growth and love. To walk with each other in transforming relationships, the kind where my belief in your goodness lifts you and empowers you, and your belief in me does the same. To recognize that it is precisely in our weakness, in our brokenness, our confession, our poverty, that God reaches in and meets us. That He will use our wounds, our hurts, our fears. He will use them to heal, to transform, to liberate, and restore.



This is post 15 in a series of 31 posts (one for every day this month) on margin. Read all the posts here. And visit The Nester to see all the 31 Day link-ups (but be warned, you could literally read for days and never read all the good stuff linked up there!)

50 comments:

  1. I swear we share both a heart and a brain. Tossing and turning with ya tonight sister. Feeling much the same way. Sending love from the westside.

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    1. Thanks sweet friend. And when are you coming over?? Please say soon!!!!

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  2. Oh friend. I know we are not very close but I FEEL for you right now. Though I wasn't a mom at the time, I went through a ver similar time in Michigan - (almost 2 years of it!) right down to the feelings of loneliness, of not belonging, of not having any friends, of fearing our non-profit would fall apart (we went 10 weeks without a paycheck) and the feelings of depression too. (I had adrenal fatigue and a seratonin deficiency and didn't know it. I thought I was depressed b/c of the gray, icky weather! Turns out, something was really wrong and I needed some supplements to make my body work right!)

    I know we live 3 hours away but just know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I would come sit with you at your house for girltalk if I could (screaming babies and random kids don't really phase me! :) Praying God sends you some much needed girlfriends who have kindred hearts soon, and that most of all, His presence is THICK and tangible in your heart and your home. You BELONG there, because He put you there, even if it doesn't feel that way all the time. This season will pass. Love you!

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  3. ps - Your new website is BEAUTIFUL!!!! :)

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    1. I love you :-) and thanks for both of your sweet comments!!!

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  4. It was 7:15am in Germany when you posted this and therefore one of the first things I read as I laid in bed giving myself a pep-talk about facing another dreary, cold day at home, (almost) completely alone in a foreign country with no friends or family, feeling inadequate at a job that presents challenges that feel way bigger than I can handle.

    It was a relief to read this, although I can't fully explain that. You're not alone. I don't share the mom-issues (yet), but the rest of it? I GET the rest of it.

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    1. Oh girl, that "you too? me too!" feeling is just the best right? I love reading about your life in Germany . . . my sister lives in Amsterdam if you ever head over that way you should eat at her bakery :-)

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  5. I love you, Becca. Continue hanging in there with God and with life....you KNOW He is with you, loving you, and guiding you every step of the way. He does NOT expect perfection....we all would fail. I so admire you and Adam for your obedience and how you're impacting your family and others for Christ. We DO see Jesus in you. Know I am lifting you up right now (praying the kids are giving you a little sleep-in time), and commit to praying for you daily.

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    1. I love you and miss seeing you!!!! And I miss your amazing children too :-)

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  6. If you were in front of me I would give you a big hug, and then I would sit beside you and hold your hand and listen. But I can't do that, so just imagine. The dark is a liar. If you fight this battle, then you know that. On dark days everything looks so overwhelming and heavy and hard. Personally my tendency is to just go to bed and hope that when I wake up everything will go away. That hasn't really worked yet (stupid laundry/dishes/kids/job) and I don't really want it to. But in that moment it sure feels like it. I understand the dappled light thing way too well. So many things I would like to say, to encourage you in this little space. You are enough. The fact that you share this vulnerability with your family and with us is the only way to teach your kids about grace. This is what grace looks like. Not perfection but struggle. The mentoring thng-kids are hard. They are. The fact that he's ducking out the door means that he cares about what you think on some level, that you touched him, even though he went to jail. Sometimes that all you can ask for. Kids that need mentoring have a lot of rough, messed up stuff to overcome, and sometimes even awesome mentoring isn't enough. Theres nothing you could do to change that. Be gentle with yourself. God isn't about results, but about process. Also if you're crying over detergent perhaps the meds aren't working. I say this as a very reluctant antidepressant taker. I fought it so hard, and now that I have some distance I see I was all up in the darkness and I didn't even know it. If you're struggling get help. Theres NO shame in that. It is a brave, brave thing. You are in my prayers today. Hopefully you can carve out some rest-I find that helps me so much. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you. Seriously your kindness is such an encouragement.

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  7. I have a 17-year-old boy and a 20-year-old girl and yet I can remember like yesterday those many times when being a mom to little ones is just HARD. I felt as though the rest of the world was moving on without me as I felt trapped sometimes in my home. Felt like my friends were slipping away...when in reality they were just trying to keep their heads above water too and worried that they were losing me :) I can not imagine, really, what it would have been like if I was responsible for mentoring some older ones at the same time. I am adding you to my prayer list and hope that you can rest on God's promises and grace between the joy-filled-sunshine-drenched times. You are not alone!

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  8. Stay strong, sister. You can do this thing. You ARE doing this thing. You are a wife and a mom and you are present and accounted for, hang tight!
    Now go make yourself an omelet.

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  9. Oh Becca, my dear sweet friend! You are going through what so many of us moms are also experiencing right now. Some of us just had this exact same conversation a few weeks ago. It is hard being a wife, a mother, a mentor and be able to still know who we are as a woman and who in the heck our friends still are. I think that you are beautiful in every single flawed and unflawed way. At the end of each day you have to remind yourself that you did enough even if you think you failed. Each day starts anew. While at times it is hard to let go of a past that wants to try and take us down, we just have to keep walking forward. Keep living and forgive oursleves for our failures along the way. You are loved Becca. {{{HUG}}} There is no shame in taking antidepressants. If you need them take them. If they aren't working see your doctor so he/she can help you find your way out of the darkness. I can tell you that exercise/rest/and time for YOU can help tremendously. Exercise especially since it releases "feel good" endorphins. Also, as wives and mothers we often focus 100% on taking care of everyone else other than ourselves (I'm pretty good at doing that myself) and we risk losing who we are as an individual. We forget about what makes us happy. What makes us feel good. You are not selfish in anyway for asking for a little time for yourself each day. Please find a way to get some. You deserve to be the best you so you can continue caring for your family and those precious little souls that you mentor each day. Praying for you my friend! Know that I am always here for you.

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  10. Becca - you are definitely not alone. I don't comment much because I can never find the words to really respond like I'd like to, and I don't want to sound dumb. But, I'm coming out of my shell today because I feel like I don't have to write anything eloquent - just a, "I am where you are - it's tough, lonely, and sometimes discouraging." But, I know that I have to fix my focus on Jesus. He knows my heart and He knows my struggles - that I'm not alone, and that He will send me people who will meet me where I'm at, because they're there, too. That's you, Becca. I completely relate to everything you wrote - I am at home with a 2 1/2 and 4 year old, I'm homeschooling (wow, is all I can say), my husband and I argue and it's usually my fault because I project my frustrations on to him, I have lived in the same area, at the same church, for 5 years and still haven't made many friends, and I've put on so much weight that I sometimes don't recognize myself. It hurts, but know that you have a kindred spirit in me, and I will lift you up in prayer. But, don't get me wrong - I am truly blessed and grateful for all of the things that God has put in my life. I am fortunate for healthy kids, a loving husband, and a steady income that allows us to have a nice home and food to eat everyday. Sometimes, though, it seems like Satan only wants to whisper the lies to me and it can become overwhelming. It's hard to turn from the devil's lies because somedays they seem like they're not a whisper, but a very loud scream. We're only an hour away from you, so maybe we could even meet up sometime halfway to let the kids play (maybe at Stonecrest Mall, Chick Fil A?) and share life with each other - my husband would think I'm crazy for offering to meet someone in person that I've only met online! Either way, I'm praying for you in many ways and am so thankful that you shared your heart. You're a brave Jesus girl, and I admire you. Email me anytime - mandyryoung (at) gmail (dot) com. (Gotta watch for the spammers! hah)

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  11. This posts reaches right into my heart and puts into word exactly what I'm feeling. I have a (just) 5-year-old and an almost 2-year-old. It's hard. It's so hard.

    "To believe that I'm not alone (please, please say that's true) - that there ARE other moms who struggle. Other wives who just aren't sure their husbands hear them. Church-goers who cant seem to find their niche. Friends and neighbors who smile and nod and long for someone to really know them."

    I'm a mom who struggles, a wife that doesn't feel heard, a church-goer that can't find my way, and a neighbor that just wants someone to get me. Thank you for being honest and sharing...

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  12. I've just started reading your blog recently...and was going to post something supportive and (hopefully) encouraging...but then I saw how many lovely comments are already here...so I will just say "ditto." You are definitely NOT alone, although it feels that way sometimes.

    Thanks for sharing your heart...and hopefully you will be encouraged by all those for whom you have been an encouragement!

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  13. A-MEN sister! I'm sitting on the other side of the world from you feeling so many similar feelings!!!

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  14. You are not alone! Just last night my husband and I were discussing his upcoming 10 day hunting trip over Thanksgiving. I was thinking, am I horrible because I don't want to be a single mom for 10 days? because I'm not excited for him? because I'm not trilled about him being gone over Thanksgiving? because I feel like I won't be able to do it on my own for 10 days with two kids when there are mothers all over the place that do it on their own full time? because they are my kids and I should be excited about spending time with them? I love your honesty! Thanks for sharing!

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  15. I don't really understand your whole thirty day thing, but I love that you are sharing.
    I think you are such a great Mama because you love your kids so much.
    You will look back at this one day and smile.
    I can not fathom cloth diapering. YOU ARE AMAZING!
    Amazing.
    I don't have too many friends. I feel lonely. Almost every day.

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  16. I want to give you a virtual {{hug}}...

    Hang in there Mama. I understand the cloth diapering and the children (mine are just three and almost 2...) and the overwhelming life that comes with such blessings.

    Prayers for you today.

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  17. I found your blog through Flower Patch Farmgirl and have enjoyed following your series. I was going to write something meaningful but that is not my strength apparently I am always the practical one. SO I will share my trick for not swishing diapers. You need rice paper liners! No more swishing or cleaning out poopy diapers. Lay one in the diaper if it's just a pee diaper wash t and hang dry to get the most money out of them. If poopy plop the messy liner in toilet and put the diaper in the pail. Then launder as usual. Saves so much work and you hardly have to touch the mess. http://www.amazon.com/Imse-Vimse-Flushable-Liner-count/dp/B0009A3I5K I used them with all of mine and that was years before cloth became so popular. If you decide to try them out feel free to ask any questions. Bekki4@comcst.net

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    1. Thanks so so much Bekki! I'm going to check them out immediately! :-)

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    2. I have a whole roll of these that you can have for free if you want them! Just let me know :)

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    3. I mean, I fo' sho' would not turn them down :-) I'll email you!

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  18. Becca... you went to high school with my daughter, so I am speaking from the 'older mom' point of view. Everything you said is pretty much what ALL women (moms or not) have thought at one time or another. Most won't admit it because it is hard to open up and expose yourself to what 'others' may think about you when you do. That is what I LOVE about your blog - it is REAL. And people can truly relate to you, because life isn't always sunshine, rainbows, and peaches and cream. I love reading about all the sunshine/rainbow days that you and your family do have - the days when the kids are happy and giggling, the celebrations, the wonderful pictures of the kiddos at camp, the loving, caring husband you have, the feeling you get when you reach out to a child in your neighborhood (and I could go on and on)... But when you share the other days.. the ones that sometimes seem like they come around way more often that the sunny ones - that is letting the rest of the world(well, your readers!) know that dark days do happen, and we aren't always smiling, patient, kind, reasonable, or feel that we are making the difference we wish we were making. When you are so busy it is HARD to make or keep friends that we can laugh with or confide in because we are just so incredibly busy trying to keep our heads above water. Feeling lonely is such a sad emotion... but many are lonely even with people all around them. At this time in your life.. it is hard to carve out the time to make 'plans', but your true friends will know that as they are likely experiencing it as well. Even though my daughter doesn't have children, her job is so demanding and exhausting, she has a hard time finding time to meet with friends to reconnect. But time changes everything and one day the kids will be in school, and you will find time for lunch dates with old friends, or date nights with your husband, and meeting new moms from the kids school (where I met some of my very best friends!) Of course, there will always be some dark days no matter how old you get. Me, at 55, I get them, my parents, at 84 still get them - days where we worry, get sad, wonder if we did the best we could, my big thing is 'worry'-- I don't think I will ever be able to realize the fact that it truly doesn't help anything! The thing is, Becca... We Are All Human. We sometimes need medication (I do), we get upset, we get aggravated, we lose patience, we feel lonely, we feel helpless, we worry, and way too many other emotions to write! Because we are LIVING life and it isn't always pretty. But the fact that you are brave/willing/loving enough to share your feelings (the good ones are easy - the not so good ones are scarier to share) makes me so proud of you.. that even though you ARE afraid, you shared. And in doing so made others feel not so alone, not so imperfect and that God loves us ALWAYS and He will get us through each stage of our lives. You are a true blessing to so many.

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    1. Laura you are such an encouragement - thank-you for your kind words!

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  19. This whole post -- I just said, "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." to all of these things, because I understand them so well and am living them, too. I have no reply, just wanted to say that I'm on the same road and even if our roads seem to be miles apart, they are still parallel and I can see you and I am waving and smiling at ya over here. :)

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  20. thank you for being real and honest. thank you for encouraging my heart as I face similar issues. thank you.

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  21. Thank you for being honest! I'm glad you hit publish.

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  22. Can I just tell you how much I love your posts? Thank you for being honest. It sounds like you are in a really tough season these days. I am praying for you right now, sister!

    On a slightly related note, I suspect that you are very loved, and that your Suburban Friends love you and pray for you...friendships change and I will pray that God will revitalize some old ones or bring in some new ones.

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  23. Thank you for the honesty. My much wiser friend told me that being a Mom is the best and worst job. And I can say that is honestly true. I want to say hang in there and be kind to your self and spouse.

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  24. Thank you for the honesty. My much wiser friend told me that being a Mom is the best and worst job. And I can say that is honestly true. I want to say hang in there and be kind to your self and spouse.

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  25. I've been meaning to comment since last night. As everyone else mentioned - you're not alone! I feel that way SO many nights - yeah, more than many... probably most! You're right though - things ALWAYS seem better in the morning. Although halfway through the day things just get crazy again. I watched Grey's Anatomy 2 weeks ago (the one about the plane crash) and lost it. I couldn't sleep all night. I just kept thinking about the thoughts I had when I was in the hospital with Trey. I couldn't stop thinking of him and all of these other children that are going through it now. Not only the kids - but the parents who's hearts are just breaking. It literally hurts sometimes. But - finally I could sleep and things were looking up again in the morning.

    But then my middle one won't stop spitting (seriously, ALL over the house, ALL over everything... it's totally grossing me out), Trey won't stop doing gymnastics on top of the table and Bryce screams if he can't play video games. Ugh. It's all so hard!

    I love our church (been there for 13 years) but now the new minister is annoying me. I hate that he bothers me. I hate that I don't like that we're turning into a mega-church with multi-sites. I like close congregations... but we've been going there for so long and know so many people that it's hard to go anywhere else. Especially since they have the best kids program in town! It's uncomfortable but I try to overlook it and have a gracious heart.

    And yes, hubby drives me crazy sometimes. My best friend moved away and I haven't had time to form new friendships for my younger kids (they have no playmates sadly). So, no, you're not alone!

    It's a season. This too will pass. As my mom always loves to remind me though... "these are the best days of your life!" Her mom used to tell her that when I was younger and my mom thought that was the most depressing saying. She said, gosh, this is as good as it gets??! But looking back now... she says it was.... and it was good.

    You rock and I'm always in awe of you. Your photos are awesome and you actually get to blog!!! (have you noticed I've fallen WAY behind... TOO busy!). When you're in the middle of chaos though it's hard to step back and see that you do actually rock ;-)

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  26. Wow. First your honesty in sharing what soooo many of us feel but never dare express. And then a huge wow to all the wonderful comments from everyone. I feel encouraged myself and I don't even know any of these people! I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog this month.

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  27. I love you, and you're not alone. xoxoxoxoxo

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  28. Hi, Becca. I've read your blog for awhile now after finding you a couple of years ago. I found you after looking for some people doing inner city ministry. We've been interested and drawn to inner city ministry for years now without really doing anything about it, then two years ago my husband felt called to leave his job at an affluent, top-in-the-state high school with friends and a sweet support system to be the principal at an inner city failing middle school and I was looking for some support even if not in real-life! So there's the back story and I only tell you because I've thought many times about trying to get in touch just to tell you how much I love your blog and to watch your lives as you pour them out!

    I'm a good bit older than you (40...which doesn't bother me, but is still surprising when I say it!) and I would like to join everyone else in saying that you are not alone! I homeschool my 5 kiddos (actually only 3 are school age) and I am alone with them much of the time and I completely understand the lonely feelings you describe! I think that is a very, very common plight of all women no matter their circumstances. It doesn't make it easier just because it's common, but somehow to me it's helpful to know I'm not the only one!

    The days you're in are very hard! Blessed, certainly, but very hard! In fact whenever anyone makes a comment about how hard it must be with 5 I tell them that physically it's much easier now than it was when I had 3 who were 5 and under! And none of mine had any medical troubles and so I can only imagine how that must make it harder, even if it's just the undercurrent of worry that's always in the back of your mind! You are dealing with the mundane of daily life and constant maintenance without much feeling of accomplishment and that is very draining. You are accomplishing things though! Your sweet ones are fed, clothed, and loved! You are loving on the people in your life and pouring out your heart to those of us who only know you through your blog!

    I laughed aloud when you mentioned the first 15 minutes of the day because I say all the time that one of the main things I thank the Lord for is that I wake up most mornings hopeful, for at least the first 15 minutes. Hopeful that I won't yell at anyone that day, that I won't spend the day on tasks, that the kids will treat each other kindly, that I will greet my husband with a smile when he gets home, etc. It is really a picture of God's grace being new every morning because otherwise surely I would have realized that's rarely going to happen (I am doing better about the smile at the end of the day...baby steps, right?!?!). So very thankful for His small gifts like those 15 minutes of hope! :)

    My husband and I adore each other, are truly best friends and yet we are "off" lots and lots. Well...I'm pretty sure I get him, but he definitely doesn't get me! Ha! Seriously, I told him the other day point blank that sometimes I just want him to feel sorry for me (pitiful, I know!) and he still doesn't know what I mean. :) I'm not sure how to make it any easier than that!

    Let me assure you that you are right...you are not alone! God is on the throne! And He holds you in His hands! I wish I was closer than 4 hours away. I would love to come visit and just sit or do some laundry or watch your little ones while you take a nap or whatever you'd like to do! For now I'll be praying for you. It's always a privilege to do so, but especially when it's a place I know so well!

    Warmly, Katie

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    1. Katie your sweet words and encouragement mean so much to me -- and thank you for lightening my heart just by knowing that I'm not alone (or crazy) :-) Also the thought of homeschooling 5 kiddos makes me panic a little so good for you for being braver than I :-)

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  29. Becca, you are such an inspiration to me. You have been for so many reasons, but I really love you tonight for your honesty. For letting us all know that we are not alone too. We are not the only ones who struggle with everything from husbands, to worries about our kids, to past issues in life, to concerns about our ministry, and to the day to day exhaustion that comes with having 2 (or more) kids. The good news is that no matter how difficult things feel, you (and me and anyone else)are not alone. He is here with love and encouragement. And yes, in the morning things can look a little brighter. I hope you can feel the prayers that are sent your way. Thank you for this post and for this series- you are touching many lives!

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    1. I love you Katie! I often think of our time with you in the cicu as so holy and close to the Father, it reminds me of what the rhythm of hush and the heart of Jesus really looks like. Thanks for what you do and for who you are! :-)

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  30. As all the others before me said- you aren't alone. I'm so proud of you for being so honest and using this as a platform to help other moms (and non-moms) feel better about themselves and feel like they have someone else out there that truly understands the dark days. When our strong-willed kids are in school one day we will have to meet up and drink a big ol' coffee and laugh (and probably cry a little too) about all the crazy days of cloth diapering, chickens, heart "stuff" and absolutely no sleep. :)

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    1. Right? we simply must get together . . . can you imagine how crazy all our little ones would be together? ha!

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  31. I so love your heart sweet girl. And I wish I could give you a big hug. Because so many of these I could have written. I too am terrified that motherhood will always wear me down and think I'm not worthy. It is my biggest struggle by far. And the anti depressants? I don't take them but too often think maybe I should as it gets harder and harder to fight off the dark by myself. Love you sweet girl.

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  32. This? Totally why I love you so much.

    ps - You'd better be sleeping right now b/c I am not. But I will be...right...NOW.

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    haha.

    No, really.

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  33. Nehemiah 6:3 - "I am doing a great work and cannot come down."

    Much love!

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  34. I happen to think that you are amazing. Amazing and inspiring and graceful and full of love.

    Truly.

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  35. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest. This is so what I needed to hear. That I am not alone in this. You and all the responses are so encouraging. :~) I think it is so important to build relationships and support each other in our strengths and weaknesses.

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  36. Hey girl,

    Have you met Pam yet, the new Women's Director at your church?? She is AWESOME!!! I worked with her until she left to take that position just a month or so ago. I told her about you and she was excited to be on the lookout for you. She's new to the church, doesn't know many people, and has been going through some tough times in life herself lately. I think you would both love each other!

    Becca, I just love your honesty. This post made my heart hurt for you, especially for the loneliness and disconnectedness you feel. Please know that I (along with so many others!) think of you and pray for your sweet family and ministry. God uses you in such a big way through your blog ministry, even aside from your city ministry! And while your kiddos progress might be hard to measure, all these comments are pretty good "results" of the impact you have on so many people.

    I know it's probably more stressful than calming to add something else to the calendar especially since we aren't super close in proximity, but if you ever just need to get away for a few, I will make myself available!

    Praying for you today!!

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    1. I cannot tell you how much your words encouraged me. Also, I adore Pamela - she is amazing :-) Your prayers and sweet friendship, even from afar, mean so much to me!!!

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