Tuesday, August 16, 2011


A few days ago I asked for prayers via twitter for the parents of a little girl who was Caden's neighbor in the CICU. She was born the day after Caden, and Adam and I had frequently exchanged sympathetic looks with her parents as we came and left our babies' bedsides. Finally we chatted with this sweet baby girl's dad. We learned her story and told him we would be praying for his little girl. We felt such a kinship with these parents, knowing how much their own hearts were hurting to see their baby's heart hurting.

The next day, they had to say good bye to their little girl.

Walking in and seeing that empty room next to Caden really shook me up. My heart ached for her parents, and I could hardly fathom what they were going through in that moment. I was fully aware of how blessed we were that God had answered our prayers for Caden to make it through surgery. And yet I couldn't help but put myself in their shoes. I looked at that sweet little girl's empty bed and thought "what if my son's bed is empty tomorrow"?

That's the kind of thing as a parent you never even want to think about, let alone utter out loud, or put down in writing.

But I had to go there this time. Not that I don't believe that God can (and will!) heal Caden's little heart. But for my own faith, and to continue along this process, I had to ask myself: what if He doesn't?

Oh my word, but that question is not easily answered. I have spent the last two weeks wrestling over it. And then yesterday I was reading in Romans 4 and came across this verse: "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." 

I thought about Abraham having to put Isaac up on the altar. To offer him to the Lord, despite the fact that it was not only painful, but made no sense, and defied everything he thought God was promising him. . . And I realized something in that moment. Even if God doesn't heal Caden's heart, He is still good. He is still faithful. He is still with us. He is still deserving of glory. And even when things don't make sense, even when my heart cries out in fear and anguish over my circumstances, God is still good.

Like Abraham, even when things seem dark and hard and scary, even when things seem completely hopeless, we choose to believe in hope. Because the truth is that Caden belongs to a faithful God who knows and loves him more fully and deeply than Adam and I ever could. So we will entrust Caden into his arms. Today and every day, no matter how many days we are blessed to call him ours.


  1. That's a HARD place to get to: the place that says, "Lord, I'll love You even if...." and you have to finish that "if" with the scariest place your mind can go to.

    I'm still praying for you guys! I am LOVING the praise reports! To God be the glory! :D

  2. This was something I so often wrestled with when seeing Iris and her neighbors while in the hospital. Despite Iris' battles, it broke my heart even more to suddenly see an empty bedside when once a baby was there.

    Even now my mind and heart have a hard time rectifying it all.

  3. Becca, your faith is so inspiring. I can not imagine how you have been hurting, but your faithfulness will get you through. You are not alone in this. You have hundreds of prayers being heard by a mighty God. He has you, Adam, Jayci and Caden in His arms. Praise God for the good news so far!

  4. I am inspired to tears by your faith, friend! Jesus is brighter in you now than I've ever seen before. Youre amazing and the Holy Spirit is amazing. I love you !

  5. Becca, I remember being rocked hearing families cry in the NICU when Annalyn was in there. I didn't understand it all then, and four years later, I don't understand it now. You are processing this extremely well and my prayer is that you and Adam stay in this place of peace and faith and trust. (And that Caden continues to heal and grow and strengthen!!!)

  6. I really don't have adequate words for the profound beauty of your thoughts and your faith, but I'll just go with profound beauty. Truly, the Lord is honored and loved by His Becca.

  7. Ooops. I hate it when I do that. "Jack" was me, Candace Chaney, who is the weird stranger who comments on your blog. :)

  8. Oh, Becca.
    Thank you for sharing this.
    Praying every moment for your baby.

  9. Your faith and strength are amazing. Continued prayers for your family.
    Kris Russell

  10. When in a very similar situation, I was crying out to God, LOUDLY! Well, some might call it shouting,but He and I understood. God made one thing very clear to me. Timothy was going to be OK. If he lived, he would be OK with us, if he didn't, well Timothy would be OK with God. In a strange sort of way, it did give me peace. I love reading about your journey and praying with and for you. God is teaching you so much, and you are teaching us by your example. Amazing Grace, how can it be? Timothy is 25 and just fine, thank you God!

  11. I am praying for you to have strength, peace, comfort, and love from our heavenly Father. I know from being diagnosed with cancer that it is hard to see God in the tough, hard, and scary times, but
    God will get you get through the "what if...." moments and make you stronger! I am truly praying for you and Adam to trust in God completely.

    You and Adam have such a great faith and are inspiring. God will continue to work and bless your lives, Caden and Jaci's life!

  12. I know what you mean about being afraid to even think about let alone put into words the "What ifs." You are facing every mother's worst fear, and I'm praying for you. I heard a song the other day and it seemed perfect for what you are going through: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

  13. I was one of the Broken Voices' interns this summer.

    I have never heard of (outside of the Bible), let alone witnessed faith like this. You inspire me.

  14. http://whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com/2011/08/every-heart-has-story-blog-event-2.html

    dear mama, you will find more heart families to share experiences and give support on the above blog. blessings to caden. Anna

  15. I can empathize with your feelings here. When our Brayden was in the NICU that happened a few times. Surrendering it all to God and knowing that whatever happened, I did not have control over it, gave me a strange peace. I'm praying for you daily. Big hugs.

  16. Becca! We've been praying for you and Stan's sweet little boy ... thank you for being such a testament to the goodness of God and trusting Him in the midst of this. Jesus is being so glorified through you guys! I love and miss you guys ... Kayla and I will keep praying for Caden. So glad to hear the recent good reports!



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