Monday, August 8, 2011

For Caden

My sweet little man,
 One day, your daddy and I want you to be able to look back and read how we were feeling the day of your surgery. But I've been sitting here typing and erasing and fumbling and trying to get into words exactly how I'm feeling right now.
I wish I could explain to you how much your daddy and I love you, and how much you changed our lives forever from the first moment you made your entrance into this world. The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions for your daddy and I, and I cannot even begin to imagine how much you've been going through in the CICU. Although to be honest, I'm pretty sure you have all the nurses wrapped around your cute little fingers. They've all declared you a fighter and a handful, which is exactly what you need to be right now.

When they first put you in my arms, I was surprised at how flooded with love I was, I didn't think it was possible to love another baby as much as I loved my first one (your big sister Jayci). But apparently it was, and I did. And holding you in my arms while daddy held Jayci and she handed you the sock monkey she picked out for you, my life felt perfect and complete. You were beautiful and I couldnt stop kissing your sweet little head.
After that is when things got a little crazy. They discovered you had a heart murmur, and that your O2 levels were just a little low. So they took you up to the NICU to check on things more closely. I dont think I will ever forget the moment I got in my wheelchair to find my way up to you and your daddy when he walked into my hospital room with the cardiologist. Fear flooded through every particle of my being when he explained that you had a rare and serious congenital heart defect. I dont remember everything he told us, just that I could only hold you for a few short minutes before they were going to have you transferred to Children's for more tests and everything. After you left, your daddy held each other and sobbed. How could this be true? Our plans didn't include anything besides snuggling you every minute in the hospital before bringing you home to be a part of our little family in our brand new house . . .

Stunned and scared and devastated, the rest of that day was a blur. I couldn't leave the hospital to come and see you and find out what was going on . . . I couldn't really pray, didn't know what to feel or think. I just wanted to hold you.

When they finally explained to us that you had a severe heart defect known as Critical Aortic Stenosis, as well as several other heart problems, I wasn't sure what to think or feel. I was angry at God. Because you didn't deserve this, we didn't deserve this. We love Jesus and do our best to serve Him every day, so why would this happen to us? I spent so much time crying out to God for you, I just wanted to see you, to hold you, to whisper that everything was going to be ok, to tell you that I loved you, that your family loved you.

Slowly, the reality of things began to sink in and I felt myself going numb. We were able to visit you in the CICU but couldn't hold you. I was so scared, felt so alone, so uncertain of what to do, of how to be a mom to you and Jayci both, of how to help Adam and how to keep following Jesus through all of this.

Somewhere along the way, however, something extraordinary happened. YOU happened. You stole my heart completely, and you changed me. I realized that loving you, no matter how long that was for, was worth every single tear I shed. Your life has already changed us irrevocably. So we decided to stop fearing losing you. To stop holding back, to stop being afraid, and to start loving you the best way we knew how.  I went from asking why God would let this happen to you and to us, to asking why God trusted US to be your parents, why are we the ones lucky enough to have you? We believe that before the foundations of the earth, the Lord chose us to be your parents. We realized how mightily God is using you already in our marriage, in our family, in our community, and truthfully all over the world. Your courage, your beautiful little heart is changing people, it has changed me already. And I know that one day, you will be known not for having a heart that was born "defective" but for having an extraordinary heart that loves and serves Jesus in extraordinary ways.
You are in surgery right now, and we are both feeling a peace that can only be described as "surpassing understanding." Don't get me wrong, my stomach is in knots and we are terrified and anxious, but overall we are resting in the Truth that you are safe in our Father's arms and He is the one who is working on your heart, even as I type this. Lord, continue to guide the surgeon's hands and we pray that you will perform a miraculous healing through the work they are doing right now.

I am actually excited and hopeful.  Soon enough I will get to hold you in my arms, you will rest peacefully in our home.  I have been amazed by you and the way you have shown God's glory to us and people all over the world.  You have taught me to trust with complete faith and opened my eyes to the power and community of the body of Christ.

Even when we give into our fear a little bit, God promises that "perfect love drives out fear." He loves you, he loves our whole family, and I cannot wait to see all the things He is going to do in and through us all. Because you truly are extraordinary.

Caden, we want you to know how blessed and grateful we feel to have you as a part of our lives. We love you and we are praying expectantly that your surgery goes so well and that you will be in our arms soon!

Lots of love,
Mommy and Daddy (and Jayci too!)

25 comments:

  1. Both Jayci & Caden are lucky to have parents like you and Adam. Still Praying, Love you guys.

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  2. Your words & your heart are just nothing but beautiful!

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  3. oh Becca that was so beautiful. I am so glad you have this post written down for him to read one day but sooo happy to also know that others can read these words for inspiration and hope in their own situations, too. You are a powerful woman of God, Becca, and it is stunning to witness you being transformed daily by His work.

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  4. WOW!!! This is beautiful and amazing...just like all four of you!

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  5. I came across your story through a twitterer-in-common. I just read the latest entry on your blog and am now following your tweets for updates. Be strong and know that there's a family you don't know who's praying for you and your beautiful little man.

    Sincerely,
    Chris

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  6. Crying with you and for you...grateful for strength that comes from places you can only have when you have Jesus...and excited that Caden's little heart is being healed at this very moment by surgeon's hands that are guided by the ultimate Surgeon.

    Praying for you!

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  7. God sure knew what He was doing by giving Caden to you guys. you are so strong and so amazing. continuing to pray.

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  8. My heart breaks reading this but rejoices in knowing that Caden is in great and capable hands of the one who loves him most. Love y'all!!!

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  9. I didn't think I could cry any more today for you but my shirt is wet. Praying without ceasing for your precious baby Becca. God bless you sweet baby Caden. God bless you.

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  10. Amazed by your faith-- praying for your little guy. He is in good hands!

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  11. Absolutely beautiful! JUST like that sweet boy himself! Praying praying praying, my friend.

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  12. Praying for little Caden and his wonderful family. This boy is so blessed that he got to be born in this family.

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  13. What an amazing letter. Your children are so lucky to have such strong parents to look after them. Trust in God. Praying for your son & family.

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  14. Thoughts are with you. Your family is beautiful.
    Mrs. C
    http://tosots.blogspot.com/

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  15. I think Amy's comment sums up my feelings much better than I could..."grateful for strength that comes from places you can only have when you have Jesus"

    Isn't that the truth? I am glad you and Adam are feeling at peace right now. I will continue to pray that He covers you with that comfort and that Caden's surgery continues to go well. He is a beautiful baby boy and your pictures capture your new family of 4 so well.

    Also praying for rest for you and Adam. I know this past week has been crazy for you and I pray that you find rest tonight as you lay your heads down. Praying for you!!

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  16. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but I know God chose you because you and your family would glorify Him no matter what happens. We've learned a lot of what your learning with our daughter, Skylar, who is fighting a losing battle with SMA type 1. I pray that your little man makes it through surgery and God chooses to heal him with the help of surgeons. If not, I pray for the amazing peace and comfort for you and your sweet family.

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  17. Came over from "In no simple language" Big prayers to you and your family! God be with you!

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  18. Found you through Rachel's blog. Praying for you and your sweet boy. He's absolutely beautiful. Praying that God puts His healing hands on Caden through his surgeon.

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  19. Love and prayers. When my son was born he didn't breathe...and by grace and love and maybe some miracle I held him and fed him every hour for seven days while my wife recovered from the emergency induced delivery.

    He is 7 now...and from that first week I wrote him letters in a book that I knew one day would be a reminder of the defining moments in his little life, and as it turns, mine.

    I imagine what if my father had done the same...

    Every word is a treasure. Thank you for sharing and touching the love we all share for our own.

    Peace, love and prayers.
    Taylor ce and love and maybe some miracle I held him and fed him every hour for seven days while my wife recovered from the emergency induced delivery.

    He is 7 now...and from that first week I wrote him letters in a book that I knew one day would be a reminder of the defining moments in his little life, and as it turns, mine.

    I imagine what if my father had done the same...

    Every word is a treasure. Thank you for sharing and touching the love we all share for our own.

    Peace, love and prayers.
    Taylor

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  20. This kid is going to do big and wonderful things- that is what God promised me in my prayer for Caden. Don't worry- He's got this.

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  21. You have such a way with words. This was absolutely beautiful. So many people are praying for Caden and for your family. Sending lots of love to you!

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  22. This brought tears to my eyes. I'm praying for your beautiful baby and your family.

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  23. I am so sorry to hear this but so glad that you are taking such a wonderful outlook on it all. I'll be praying for your little guy.

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  24. I stumbled upon your blog while searching for CHD clipart. Anyway, I hope things are going better for Caden. My sweet Ambria was diagnosed with CHD when she was 6 weeks old. It was very tramatizing.

    I dont know if you do facebook but there is an Intermountain Healing Hearts for moms that have heart babies. Email me if you are interested! It is a great support group!

    Primarys is amazing!

    Conniejramirez@hotmail.com

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