Tuesday, January 25, 2011

It's a Party

I've been having a little pity party over here the last day or two. And trust me, it's not any fun. Because there's nothing I hate more than letting myself get sucked into the black hole of feeling sorry for myself. Why is that hole just so darned hard to get out of anyways?

I went to my 12 week doctor's appointment yesterday, and unfortunately he said that if I continue to throw up and lose any more weight in the next week, he's going to hospitalize me. So please pray with me that I can stop throwing up and starting gaining some weight. And maybe, just maybe, that I might even WANT to eat again. I don't know what to do with myself when I have no desire for cheese dip. It's like I dont even know who I am.

And then our house deal fell through. Well, we thought it did. We are giving it one last attempt, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. See, the investor who owns the house never got us a signed contract -- so every time we tried to start working, he never ended up signing it and sending it to us, which means no work could be done. Finally we said enough is enough, and started looking at other houses in the neighborhood. All that to say, he came back to us and apologized and we re-sent him a contract to sign today. But if he doesnt get it signed and back to us by tomorrow, then we're going to have to re-evaluate the whole house situation.

Needless to say, this is more than a little disappointing, and confusing. We've been working on getting this house since we got back from camp -- 6 months ago! I'm at the point where I can't tell whether or not God is shutting this door, or we're facing opposition and just need to keep fighting.

I should have been asking people for help with Jayci long ago, considering I've been throwing up 5+ times a day for 7 weeks now. But I hate asking for help, I'm always afraid that people wont want to be friends with me anymore if I impose too much.

In the same way, I never want to write blog posts like this. Because no one wants to read a depressing debbie-downer blog. I'm afraid people wont like me or my blog anymore.

But then I can't stop thinking about something our pastor mentioned a few weeks back. He quoted a guy from Alcoholics Anonymous who said that he has never experienced in church anything even close to the community he experienced in AA. And I immediately thought: that's because of the vulnerability. Everyone knows you get up front at AA and declare from the outset: "My name is _____ and I am an alcoholic." No pretense, no pretending, and no judging. No hiding who they really are.

And I realized that's what's missing so often in the church. The opportunity and ability to be vulnerable. To stand up and declare: "I am Becca and I am struggling right now." To admit our insecurities and shortcomings. To share about the times this week I've wanted to give up. To curl up in a ball and ignore my daughter and forget all about our calling and wallow in my pain.

So here I am. Being vulnerable, and hoping that this community can be Christ and accept me and love me anyways. Because that's exactly what God wants me to do downtown with our kiddos. To accept the them, to love them, but not to let them stay in their sin. And how can I do it for others if I am not willing or brave enough to let others do it for me?

I have no answers, really. I'm not sure how to claw my way out of the darkness I'm in. Or how to start trusting again. Or what God wants us to do with this house stuff. Or why I can't stop throwing up.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5,6 (NIV)


  1. Wow, I hate I didn't know the extent of everything...I love you Becca, I am going to come over and help, and you can't stop me :)! Thank you for the vulnerability. Vulnerability breeds vulnerability.

  2. Praying for you Becca! I pray that God gives heals your sickness and you are able to start eating again very soon and I also praying about your house situation.

    Hang in there. Our God is faithful and He will get you through these trials.

  3. Hang in there Becca!! You are so close to your second trimester! Maybe it will all be over soon... Don't for two seconds feel bad about feeling bad or admitting out loud that you do. Being sick sucks and being sick 5+ times a day for months sucks even worse!! It will end. Just remember that. It will end. And it is worth it. It's certainly not fun, but your body is doing miraculous things. God loves you dearly and He won't let you crumble. And if you do go to the hospital, it may be a good time for you to heal and rest...Praying that you can eat and recuperate and that you can have wisdom about how to handle the house... hang in there friend

  4. Oh sweet Becca! I am so sorry about the news at the doctor. I'm giving your stomach a virtual stern come-to-Jesus! Thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable...we're wrapping our arms around you and your family. Praying for you to find some comfort and peace today.

  5. Oh Beautiful one!!! I'm sending you a hug...

    I know you are probably feeling so overwhelmed just being Pregnant - & a SICK pregnant at that... & then all this other stuff on you... I will lift you up in prayers!!!

    Hang in there... joy comes in the morning! :)

  6. you are in my prayers.

    this feels a bit weird to be writing, because we don't have any real world connections. i found your blog through the radical read-along and i loved it for quite a few reasons, one being a shared loved for the vulnerable and living in community. so..hi! my name is grace and I'm a canadian and a sister in Christ. i'm much too far away to help out, so i will keep you and your dreams in my prayers.

    there..how awkward was that? :)

  7. Im so sorry about everything becca! Had you tried b6 for the sickness? I'm sure you have, but just a suggestion to try. Also has your dr prescribed anything to help? I have friends that had it rough like you and it ended around the 12 week. I pray the end is in sight for you!!

  8. Praying for you!!!! Wish I was closer I'd take Jayci anytime you'd let me :)

    Hope you get better and can at least stop throwing up soon!!!! so you don't have to go the hospital and praying for the house deal - I believe it will work out the way it's supposed to whichever way that is.

    Get some rest and hang in there. We love you no matter what!!!!!!!!!

  9. thanks for being vulnerable. it's good to 'hold hands' through things like this. praying for you for certain.

  10. Black hole is right! I hate getting to that place! I'm so sorry you're trying to deal with all this while being pregnant and sick & still taking care of a very busy toddler. Do ask for help! And someday it'll be your turn to help someone in the same situation out & you can tell them how much it meant to YOU when you needed it.

    We haven't done the buying a house thing yet, but from watching others go through it, it sounds like a pretty normal thing that can happen. Normal as in, it seems like there's always problems & issues and time drags WAAAAY longer than anyone ever expects. I know it will all work out!

  11. I liked Grace's comment and mine would go something like that. But I felt compelled to tell you to hang in there, momma! This too shall pass and it's soooooooooooooooo worth it. Wish I could help, but it's a good thing that our God is big and He has His eye on you and His hand all over your situation.

    Much love!


    Oh... and don't think I've told you... CONGRATS! Life!!! It's so worth the pain.

  12. Oh Becca. It pains me to know you are so sad and going through so much right now : (

    The house has been such a pain for you. I know you don't want to hear that rejection is God's protection...but I do think that is true. If this isn't the house then just know that God has something SO much better and more wonderful for you! And He will be right there beside you as you are negotiating and entering into a contract.

    I am praying for you and your family every day.

    I am going to show up as Lola but it is Becky from Life with Kaishon. It is taking me so long to type this out I should just go into blogger and switch out of it but I am too lazy.

    I am doing our communal global posts for the work.

    I love you.

    Praying. Praying. Praying.

    The Storm is Over now by Kirk Franklin is a nice song to listen to today...

  13. Becca, I am so sorry!! This is a lot to be going through right now. I will be praying that you can identify the difference between God closing a door and opposition. I always have problems with that myself. Thinking of you so much!

  14. I was just sharing with hubby about how much I enjoy following your story here, and one of the reasons we specifically talked about was your vulnerability. That you are living a real life, heartaches and good times, and not just putting up the sunshine moments. Balance is good, and I think you do it well!

    We even talked about sharing your blog with other ministry full-timers in our lives that could use a little oomph in their blogging presence:) I will pray for your health, and that of the new little one! As well as the house!

  15. Wow, I am so sorry Becca. Sean and I will be praying for you! Thanks for sharing not only the "ups" in life, but also the "downs." Love your transparency.

  16. Thinking of you Becca! Everything will work out! I hope and pray you feel better soon and NO hospital :) XO

  17. Praying for you Becca! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It's a lot. I'll pray for discernment for y'all as you try to figure out the house deal.

    I wish I was closer. I'd let Jayci come over and play with BG all day so you could get some rest. Ask for help girl! There are plenty of people that would love to hang out with her all day.

  18. This post reminds me of the song "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns. I can totally identify. Look at you getting a great message across even when you're feeling miserable! :) I wish I could help in person, but I will do the only thing I can by keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs!


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