I've been so excited to write you guys a fantastic blog post about how God provided exceedingly abundantly for our little family. I couldn't wait to tell you all about how we sold our house without putting on the market. How he worked out the timing perfectly with camp and we would be all moved downtown by August . . . Unfortunately, the "100% sure thing" ended up falling through tonight (but don't get me wrong, I don't blame the couple at all, I'd rather them tell us now then somewhere down the road where we're stuck with 2 mortgages).
This disappointment came on the heels of an emotional week/weekend for me. I have been struggling more than a little (understatement of the year!) with Jayci's behavior lately. Pretty much anytime I pick her up when she'd rather me not, or make her do anything she doesn't want to do, I have to utilize my cat-like reflexes (ha) to avoid her hitting me in the face. Time out after time out after time out, she is defiant and I am tired. Weary really.
And then I told you about how my best friend was in Waco for a missions conference. I think I was secretly hoping it wouldn't go well, because then she wouldn't leave me. But it went well (which is an amazing, wonderful thing and I am so glad -- but sad too!)
So combine all those factors, mix in a little emotional IS-SHUES, insecurities, and depressive tendencies, and I've been a mess over the whole fallen-through house situation. Unfortunately, our Enemy knows just when we're vulnerable, and he takes that opportunity to start whispering in my ear:
Not good enough
I immediately felt like we're never going to sell our house (on paper, the numbers just wont ever work), we will never move downtown, I'll never make another friend, Jayci and I will be fighting with each other forever and she will be knocking me out cold before long . . .
Here's the thing: when the Accuser starts accusing, the ONLY thing we can do is stand on Truth. Luckily, I have some wise friends who reminded me that God is sovereign and there is no Plan B. He knew exactly what was going to happen with our house, even before He laid the foundations of the world, and HE IS GOOD.
Not only that, but here's a few things that He says are true about me (I have to write them down because I am literally FIGHTING to believe them right now)
Free from condemnation
Always led in His triumph
Heart and Mind guarded by HIS peace (and peace is knowing, not necessarily feeling)
I have to trust in and surrender to the Truth that God has given us a vision for a ministry in the city. A vision of a home where kids can come and see how to live as a family, especially a family with a father. Where they can be safe and be 100% themselves without fear. Where they can do their homework, play the Wii, and sit down for a family dinner. A place where parents can come when they're overwhelmed. Where friends from the suburbs can experience community with the least of these. A place where God's infinite Agape love can pour through us onto some people who are living in broken homes and in poverty. A home where we can work with people (not for them) to alleviate poverty and restore LIFE.
If I am truly committed to following Christ, that means I have to trust him whether things go exactly how I'd like them to or not. Even when I don't get it. Even when I can't see any way for things to "work out," I must continue to have faith that the Lord has some greater purpose to fulfill in our hearts and in our lives. Because He is good. And He is sovereign. And He loves us.
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."