Thursday, January 24, 2008

Forgetting Desperation

When I am scared or things aren't going according to my plans, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, which feels a lot like heartburn, but is actually a desperate realization of how deeply I need God. Its like when I used to be scared of flying (before I took a trip to China and flew on a plane just about every other day for two weeks straight - that got me over that fear real quick . . .) But when I WAS scared, I would be praying from nearly the moment I got on the plane until the wheels touched the ground. I would try to read, watch Friends reruns on Delta Horizons, or drink my diet coke without spilling (something that's apparently hard for me to do while flying) . . . but I couldnt focus on anything but the realization that if we fell, I would certainly not make it through the crash. So I would pray and feel desperate for peace, reassurance and safety in the Lord's arms, and in the knowledge that He held the plane in His hands.

Right now, I feel like I need that same reassurance - that He is holding my very life in His hands, and that He will bring me safely through now as He has every time before. I know this is true right now, when things arent going how I imagined they would. The REAL danger comes, however, when things ARE going according to my plans. I quickly lose sight of that desperation and begin believing that I have things quite together on my own. I mean, after all, I'm 23, happily married, enjoying my husband and friends, love my family (even my in-laws!), have a nice new house, a job I adore and church I love . . . so clearly I'm doing a pretty good job on my own right? The problem is that it's just not true! EVERY good gift is from above, which means that when things are going well, it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with God. Which, in turn, means that I need to be looking to Him every moment, not just when I'm scared or hurting.

I think that's why God sometimes lets hard things happen to us. It teaches us the value and joy of utter dependence on and desperation for Him. Without fear, I wouldn't know how to seek comfort in the Lord. So I pray that somehow I might be able to hold on tightly to this feeling of desperation, and keep it close to my heart even when things start to look right again . . .

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