I've come to the realization that I'm not going to be a writer.
I cannot see anything beyond a blank page every time I sit down to write. I have no characters or plots running through my mind, when i think of what I'm passionate about and what I know - there is literally just nothing. . .
I remember when I was little there were many nights that i couldn't fall asleep. My mind would tend to keep running around in circles and I wasn't sure how to get it to just STOP so I could sleep -- my mom would come in and rub my forehead and tell me to think about "nothing" - at which point, I would get even more upset and protest: "but mom, it's impossible to think about NOTHING!" Looking back, if she just would have told me to think about what i would want to write a book about . . . i would quickly have a blank mind, ready for sleep!
I remember the moment I stopped knowing how to write creatively - I was in 9th grade (fresh from Canada - where schools let you be creative) in Mrs. Hayes class. We were asked to write a book report, and I wrote mine from the perspective of one of the characters in the book telling a story to answer the essay question she had asked us. Mrs. Hayes gave me an A - but told me never to write an essay like that again. Instead, she taught me how to write a five paragraph essay including a tri-part thesis with three supporting paragraphs, an introduction and a conclusion. And of course, each paragraph should include quotes which carefully back up your thesis, and have beginning and ending sentences which flow out of one paragraph and into the next . . . now I can write a killer essay (I never got less than an A throughout my 8 years of school here in the U.S.) but in the process I stifled my creativity and forgot how to let my writing flow and my mind be free.
I think that's why even writing this blog has been so hard for me . . . I cant seem to sit down and just WRITE without worrying about exactly what I'm trying to say or what I need to prove . . . but I guess I'll keep trying - and keep looking for something different to do with my life! :-)